God is so good and so forgiving.
I say this all the time and still fall back into sin. And still, He keeps pursuing me and sending just the right words into my life to point me back. There is absolutely no logical reason why God should or would accept me back but His love is counter-cultural. His thoughts are so much higher. His plans are so much wiser. And His purposes are so much more fulfilling.
I know in my head what I need to do but I have a hard time practicing and fully believing it. I get so scared and lonely and I’ve been hurt oh so many times before. I shirk away from His promises because I am afraid of what it will mean if somehow He doesn’t follow through. He knows this. And still, He is patient with me.
In these quiet, at-home times, I sit in the hidden pastures and learn to be completely honest with myself and my God. He knows it all anyway; why try to hide myself from He who knows me best? Someday, I will walk daily in faith, strong and content in Him. But until then, I learn and grow and struggle and question because He wants it all.
He wants the good and the bad, the faith mountain days and the doubt valley stretches. He wants me to question and struggle and doubt and falter because then I will know what I am searching for. Only then, will I find that He proves Himself again and again. He doesn’t want fake; He wants real and messy and difficult. He wants it because He can stand it.
He knows that His love is worth all of the valley and the setbacks and the lack of faith. He is worth it. And He knows we are worth His love. With all of our sins and our mistakes and our transgressions, He still openly and lovingly offers His life. He sits with me in the rain and stands as I pound my fists again His chest yelling why why why. He waits for me when I go off to try to live life on my own. And He holds His arms open to me as I return, that prodigal son. I am worth His love. And more than anything, He is worthy of mine.
So question. Seek. Doubt. Debate. Struggle. And wrestle with every positive and negative. Truly seek the Truth and give Him a honest defense. But never, never, sit and ignore these questions. Don’t ignore your doubts and your unknowns as you play a game of spiritual procrastination. If I want to truly believe, I am demanded action. If this faith is as important as I want it to be, I am demanded immediacy.